Category Archives: Family

Hello in There and Iceberg Communications

There is a song by John Prine that I enjoy listening to – it’s called “Hello in There”. While the song focuses on a couple that grows older and becomes lonely, the message applies to everyone. Below is only an excerpt of the lyrics from the song.

Hello In There – John Prine

You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, “Hello in there, hello”

So if you’re walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes
Please don’t just pass ’em by and stare
As if you didn’t care, say, “Hello in there, hello”

How often do you just pass by others, especially friends or team members, and only have a superficial discussion – “How are you?”, “Good” and then we move on. It is so easy today with text and email to only touch the surface of the individual and not truly understand how they are doing – it reminds me of an iceberg.

Iceberg Conversations

I first learned this lesson when I was younger, before text or email was a preferred method of communication. On a family trip to Scotland visiting relatives, we would walk into the town for groceries. If our relatives saw someone they knew, it wasn’t just “Hello”, it was “Let’s stop and have a tea”, followed by a deeper conversation. No rush, and taking time to truly know how the other person was doing.

Unfortunately, I learned this lesson again. Recently I received a call from a friend to let me know a mutual friend had passed away only days before. Over the past, I had worked with this mutual friend at two different companies building a connection. We would see each other two or three times a year and regularly text, especially when our rival soccer teams were playing each other. I had been in contact via text, only weeks before as our teams were playing and we had some fun texting and finished off with – “Hope things are going well”. What my friend didn’t tell me was that he was at home in the final stages of a battle with cancer. He didn’t tell me and I didn’t know.

What can we do different?

At work, there are different methods. My daughter recently taught me about The Rose, The Thorn and The Bud. You can start off meetings at work by asking everyone:

  • What is your rose? What is something great that has happened?
  • What is your thorn? What is not going as expected?
  • What is your bud? What have you learned?

In your personal life there are simple steps we can all take. Recently, when I receive a text from a friend, I select dial instead of text and have a conversation – there is still something special about hearing a voice, a laugh, or being able to prop someone up. I also take the opportunity to ask deeper questions:

  • What’s on your mind today?
  • What was your highlight from last week? (Rose)
  • What are you worried about this week? (Thorn)
  • What did you learn last week? (Bud)
  • If you had a whole day where you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?
  • What do you want people to know about you?
  • What do you need more of in your life?
  • What do you need less of in your life?
  • How have you grown in the last year and where do you want to grow this year?

Try whatever is comfortable to you – it will make a difference in someone’s life.

To my friend, may your journey continue. You made an imprint on me, YNWA.

Where do you lead from?

I just finished reading a book by Gabrielle Bernstein – “The Universe Has Your Back”. While the book focuses on teaching us how to transform fear into faith, the lessons can also be applied to leadership. One of the very powerful quotes is “Your purpose is to be joyful. Your purpose is to live with ease. Your purpose is to surrender to the love of the Universe so you can live a happy life. Accept the purpose of love, and your life will radically change this instant.” Now what leader would you rather follow, a leader that leads from the purpose of love or a leader that leads from the purpose of fear.

Leaders that lead from the heart will do the following:

  • Show warmth, an interest in the well-being of others, and a desire to connect.
  • Help others faced with a challenge.
  • Keep their commitments.
  • Appreciate, respect, encourage and empower.
  • Take the time, especially when they don’t have time.
  • Active listening.
  • Treat others’ time as if it’s as important as theirs.
  • Be as passionate about the growth of others as they are about their own.

Leaders that lead from fear often have the following:

  • Lead by using their position instead of influencing behaviors.
  • A track record of employee churn because they do not value people.
  • Have a team walking on eggshells because mistakes are punished, quite often publicly
  • A comfort in dysfunction. Whether at work of home, they enjoy arguing and intimidating others. Unfortunately this usually spills over into family situations.
  • Teams that lack confidence due to shortcomings always being pointed out and always been told what went wrong.

3 Gates for Feedback

Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is necessary, and is kind. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.

Three simple gates to pass through before you provide feedback.

High Achievers, Anxiety And Your Strength Is Your Weakness

Two times this past week the topic of anxiety and high achievers came up. In both cases, it caused me to pause and reflect on my life and leadership journey.

The first time to reflect was when reading an article that found it’s way to my inbox . It was a Harvard Business Review – How High Achievers Overcome Their Anxiety by Morra Aarons-Mele from March-April 2023. (https://hbr.org/2023/03/how-high-achievers-overcome-their-anxiety) Without a doubt, as you continue along your leadership journey there will be times that will come along where you will be exposed to stress and anxiety. Systems of anxiety can be feeling nervous, restless or tense, an increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, trembling, feeling tired or trouble concentrating.

The second time this week was an interview – Zane Lowe interviewing Post Malone following the release of his latest album AUSTIN. So often we look to sports or business leaders regarding anxiety and high performance. During the interview, Post Malone discusses his anxiety and his need to turn to alcohol or drugs to prepare him for concerts or interviews. Post Malone mentions a couple of times that he is trying to enjoy the journey and not focus on the destination.

Zane Lowe and Post Malone

The Harvard Business Review is very informative and a powerful introduction to anxiety, its effects and ways to live with anxiety along with the benefits when managed properly. You will be introduced to topics such as Monkey Mind – trying to focus but your mind wanders far away, Worst Case Scenario – the Stoics loved this one and instead of avoiding thought on what can happen they would face it head on. Most importantly you will be introduced to practices to help – identifying the source of anxiety, self-compassion, humour, exercise, self-talk and guided meditation.

Focusing on my goals has always been a strength of mine and along with it has come a certain level of anxiety. One of my supervisors once told me “I am happy when you are worried about something because I know you will solve the issue”. Easy for him to say, he didn’t know the effect on me. When I reached my early 30’s, blessed with two children and a career where I was the person to send somewhere in the world when a problem needed solving I started experiencing the warning signs. Always eager to take on and overcome the next challenge, I started finding myself having trouble sleeping, tense and feeling sick. I went to my family doctor and received some of the best advice I have every received. He told me, I could give you some medication but I suggest you go to a local Mindfulness clinic – an eight week program located in my hometown. It was difficult for me to go as I have never been someone to admit weakness. Mindfulness has been my go to for anxiety and my practice continues to this day. Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgement. When Post Malone says he is focusing on the journey and not the destination – this is the basic lesson of mindfulness.

What works for me will not work for everyone. The important lesson is to recognize the symptoms and if it gets to be too difficult, seek out methods to learn to live with anxiety and turn it into your superpower.

Do you have a Growth Mindset?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the famous saying and that is to be “The Hardest Worker in the Room”. Other examples in sports were Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant. It takes a certain hunger to overcome adversity and to develop the drive to outwork others. In order to do this you need to have a “Growth Mindset”. The figure below compares the behavioral traits of those with a Growth Mindset and those with a Fixed Mindset. If you are in a leadership role, more than likely you have a Growth Mindset – challening yourself and looking around for inspiration. Inspiration can come from observing others, reading books, taking courses or spensing time with others that have successfully put in the effort to achieve what you are looking for.

Growth vs Fixed Mindset

Show up, even when you don’t feel like it. Make learning a daily priority. Challenge yourself and then others. Do the jobs that others aren’t willing to do. Encourage the team. And most importantly, be consistent!  Can a Growth Mindset be nurtured and developed – the answer is yes. Whether it is your children or team members with a Fixed Mindset, there are steps that can be taken to develop the Growth Mindset.

Dr. Carol Dweck gives us some tips:

  • Recognise the powerful influence that beliefs have on final results.
  • Improvement is always possible.
  • Eliminate chronic self-doubt.
  • Become more “Goal focused”.
  • Life requires evolutionary growth.
  • Evolution is growth by degree.
  • Contained within every defeat are seeds of an equivalent benefit.
  • Mind your language.
  • Thoughts are things.
  • Be guided by your Visions of a better future.

Law of Conservation of Energy Part 1

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created or destroyed – only converted from one form of energy to another. Sometimes this law is also referred to as the Law of Conservation of Energy. While we can visualize the transfer of energy if we add a flame to an ice cube, the application of this law can be much broader.

We emit energy every day through our body language, the words we speak, how we treat one another, and it is possible to convert negative energy to positive energy. What are the results of positive energy in the workplace?

  • Helps to get you through tough times. The Power of Attraction tells us that whatever you focus your energy on will come back to you. Call it karma, call it good vibrations but they all come back to the theory that positive thoughts bring positive results into a person’s life.
  • Influencing others. Energy, excitement and enthusiasm helps others to feel more energized. This is how we maximize the potential of others.
  • Pulling a team together. Getting a team innovating and practicing the behaviors of Yes, If vs No, Because (see earlier blog).
  • Positive energy will carry you through a tough situation. Negative energy results in challenges being magnified and feeling worse and worse.
  • Positive energy results in generally happier people and happier people are more productive. Negative energy builds resentment and tension, stifling creativity.

How can we convert negative energy to positive energy?

  • Focus on what is in your control. We can not control what life is going to throw at us, be we can control how we react. Mindfulness practice helps to extend the time between stimulus and response.
  • Start a gratitude practice. Be grateful for the positives that you do have in your life.
  • Reframe and change your perception of things.

The Power of Gratitude and Marty McFly

For many people it is the time of year to be grateful for all we have, sharing moments with family and friends that you may not have seen for some time. For others, loneliness sets in, bringing with it feeling of sadness, anxiety or depression.

As per Harvard Health Publishing, there is documented evidence that focusing on gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. There are many ways to practice gratitude:

  • Saying thank you either in-person or in writing. Even in this day and age, who doesn’t love to see a Christmas Card in the mail.
    • Sending positive thoughts to others and keeping them in your mind or prayers if they are going through challenging times.
      • Keeping a formal gratitude journal where your regularly take time to write down what you are grateful for.
        • Practicing mindfulness meditation, focusing on the present moment and focusing on what you are grateful for.
      • If you do believe in God, or a higher power, take time out to pray and give thanks for all the positives in your life.

It may be challenging at times to find those small things to be grateful for when we are going through difficult times. Recently I was reminded how powerful gratitude can be. We all know Michael J Fox and the challenges he is going through. Michael J Fox’s acting career changed when he weas diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease at the age of 29. I can still remember Alex Keaton in Family Ties, Scott Howard in Teen Wolf and Marty McFly in the Back To The Future movies. Who doesn’t want their own Flux Capacitor?

It was a recent interview that really caught my attention. Michael J Fox reunited with his Back to the Future co-star Christopher Lloyd and detailed how he has had a “really rough year” but still remains “grateful”. ”Well, in the last year I’ve broken my cheek, my eye socket, my hand, my elbow … my shoulder. I had a rough year of getting beat up. But that was really cool because it made me realize … with gratitude, it’s sustainable. If you can find something to be grateful for, if you can find something and say, ‘Well, that’s good,’ … It’ll always get better… I’m very optimistic.”

If you are going though tough times or if you aren’t, continue to take time out to be grateful for those small blessings in your life.

Hitting The Reset

It’s been three months since my last post. Three months ago I had just finished another trail race after months of preparation (5k to 10k runs at 6 am), had come through a trying season of leadership as we continued to navigate through the pandemic (abseentism, missing customer deadlines) and I was questioning if I was on the right track with life and work. It was time for a reset, resting my body and mind, and reconnecting to those important to me. I spent time reading and listening to books about spirit and soul, re-connecting with friends, having great discussions on new thoughts, continuing my meditation journey, listening to songs, trying different types of exercise and practicing mindfulness every day.

Given my engineering background I have learned that all equipment benefits from a reset from now and again. When it comes to a computer or phone, we do a reset because we are experiencing software errors, or issues like connecting to networks or apps crashing. Resetting typically resolves these errors and restores normal functioning. We are the same. Without a reset we may continue in a job or relationship that does not bring joy, we may continue down a path that is causing harm to our bodies or it may be an opportunity to reaffirm the current path. The steps are easy:

  1. Take time to reflect – Get out some paper and a pen. Write down what or who brings you enjoyment and those that don’t. Practice gratitude and be thankful for those things going well in life.
  2. Change your clothes – While I don’t mean you need to physically change clothes, but shed those things that are no longer bringing enjoyment.
  3. Develop your strategy, plans and tactics – What is your overall strategy and where you are headed or trying to achieve. What plans are required and what are the specific actions to get you there? Develop a mental picture of where you want to go.
  4. Let others know where you are headed – Telling others helps to build accountability to your plan.
  5. Go for it – Get out there and start making small steps focused on your goal. Celebrate the small successes along the way.

Who Is Your Pitcher of Water?

You’ve heard it before – circle yourself with personal and professional connections that will help you improve. It doesn’t matter who you are, those challenging times will come at some time in your life. Your personal glass of water can sometimes be half empty or half full. We can’t always be at 100%. What I find more important is that you have a support network around you that can lift you up during those times. That is what I call my pitcher of water. I have been blessed throughout my life to have pitchers of water around, always looking to fill up my glass when needed.

As leaders, we need to do the same thing. When you have that opportunity to refill someones glass, don’t let that opportunity pass you by. Someday your glass will need a refill.

Gresham’s Law

Gresham’s Law: The Bad Drives Out the Good As Time Passes

Gresham’s Law was first applied to economics. In ecomomics, Gresham’s law is a monetary principle stating that “bad money drives out good”. For example, if there are two forms of commodity money in circulation, which are accepted by law as having similar face value, the more valuable commodity will gradually disappear from circulation.

Whenever coins containing precious metals have been used along with base metal coins of the same denomination, both legally accepted as tender, the bad coins have driven the good coins out of circulation. Gresham’s Law is named after Sir Thomas Gresham (1519-1579), an English financier in the time of the Tudors.

One practical application of Gresham’s Law and perhaps the most important is to avoid becoming part of systems where good behavior cannot win due to the nature of the law. There are certain companies and organizations that lack the “policing” necessary to keep systems of behavior on the straight and narrow, and thus bad behavior gains a hard-to-replace foothold. While it’s admirable to be the “cleanest shirt” in a pile of dirty laundry, certain areas of human life do not allow the clean shirts to win. As a leader, when you do observe behavior that is not acceptable, it is your duty to deal with it and not reward it. If you do, over time bad behavior will drive out good beahvior.

People and Characters – Good Versus Bad | Straight Talk