Tag Archives: Feedback

Hello in There and Iceberg Communications

There is a song by John Prine that I enjoy listening to – it’s called “Hello in There”. While the song focuses on a couple that grows older and becomes lonely, the message applies to everyone. Below is only an excerpt of the lyrics from the song.

Hello In There – John Prine

You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, “Hello in there, hello”

So if you’re walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes
Please don’t just pass ’em by and stare
As if you didn’t care, say, “Hello in there, hello”

How often do you just pass by others, especially friends or team members, and only have a superficial discussion – “How are you?”, “Good” and then we move on. It is so easy today with text and email to only touch the surface of the individual and not truly understand how they are doing – it reminds me of an iceberg.

Iceberg Conversations

I first learned this lesson when I was younger, before text or email was a preferred method of communication. On a family trip to Scotland visiting relatives, we would walk into the town for groceries. If our relatives saw someone they knew, it wasn’t just “Hello”, it was “Let’s stop and have a tea”, followed by a deeper conversation. No rush, and taking time to truly know how the other person was doing.

Unfortunately, I learned this lesson again. Recently I received a call from a friend to let me know a mutual friend had passed away only days before. Over the past, I had worked with this mutual friend at two different companies building a connection. We would see each other two or three times a year and regularly text, especially when our rival soccer teams were playing each other. I had been in contact via text, only weeks before as our teams were playing and we had some fun texting and finished off with – “Hope things are going well”. What my friend didn’t tell me was that he was at home in the final stages of a battle with cancer. He didn’t tell me and I didn’t know.

What can we do different?

At work, there are different methods. My daughter recently taught me about The Rose, The Thorn and The Bud. You can start off meetings at work by asking everyone:

  • What is your rose? What is something great that has happened?
  • What is your thorn? What is not going as expected?
  • What is your bud? What have you learned?

In your personal life there are simple steps we can all take. Recently, when I receive a text from a friend, I select dial instead of text and have a conversation – there is still something special about hearing a voice, a laugh, or being able to prop someone up. I also take the opportunity to ask deeper questions:

  • What’s on your mind today?
  • What was your highlight from last week? (Rose)
  • What are you worried about this week? (Thorn)
  • What did you learn last week? (Bud)
  • If you had a whole day where you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?
  • What do you want people to know about you?
  • What do you need more of in your life?
  • What do you need less of in your life?
  • How have you grown in the last year and where do you want to grow this year?

Try whatever is comfortable to you – it will make a difference in someone’s life.

To my friend, may your journey continue. You made an imprint on me, YNWA.

When to Provide Feedback

We all struggle when providing feedback. When is the right time and should I say something that may upset the person? While giving kudos for a great effort is easy and we all feel good when delivering the message, offering constructive criticism is the challenge. As a leader, there comes a time when you observe a specific behaviour or action that requires feedback.

1) When the feedback has a high chance of improving someone’s skills and the person will have the opportunity to use those skills again.

2) When the person knows that you are aware of a certain action or behaviour and is expecting feedback.

3) When an action or behaviour can not be ignored due to the detrimental effect on another team member or the organization.

Providing feedback can also have a negative effect in certain situations.

1) When the person does not have the knowledge or skills to improve.

2) When you have not taken time to think through possible solutions.

3) When you do not have all the information and make assumptions.

4) When the person to whom you are providing feedback is in an emotional state where the message will not be received or retained.

5) When you are not in the proper emotional state to provide the feedback calmly.

When you are ready, there are three questions I suggest you ask yourself before delivering the message. If you can answer yes to the following three questions and have considered the above, provide the feedback and help someone to improve.

The Mirror and the Window

Too often when things are going well we stand in front of the mirror, admiring ourselves and thinking how successful we have become. This happens on the leadership journey as well. I have found we don’t often look in the mirror when things are not going too well. We look out the window and wonder “What is wrong with everyone, don’t they get it?” Next time, try the reverse. When things are not going as expected look in the mirror and ask “What could I have done differently?” When things are going well, look out the window and congratulate everyone on doing such a great job.