Tag Archives: Stimulus

When Your Kids Become Leaders

The definition of leadership that we started with “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something they wouldn’t normally do because they want to and they understand why.”

When we bring children into the world we have the responsibility of leading them. If you do a good job, the time will come when your kids begin to lead you. I have two simple examples that came up recently.

I introduced the concept of stimulus and response in an earlier blog. We are all challenged by this at some time. This year I made the public commitment that I would respect the observance of Lent and give up alcohol. I am not Catholic but I respect the concept of sacrifice and improvement. I was two weeks in when we had a small gathering at our house and I opened a bottle of wine to share with guests. I poured a glass for myself and was ready to bend the rules when my daughter caught my eye and knowing me said “Dad, if you do that you will regret it and there is no going back”. Needless to say, I did not drink any wine that night. My daughter was successful in getting me to do something I wouldn’t normally do because i wanted to and I understood why.

I also think of myself as somewhat chivalrous, upholding the honour of my wife. When we go for walks, I proudly hold her hand and stay aware, ready to protect. My son and his wife were walking behind us when he called out to me and said “Dad, what are you doing?” You see, we were walking on a busy road and my wife was on the inner side, walking closer to the traffic. My son educated me on chivalry and that I should actually be walking on the inner side and protecting his mother. Needless to say, I took my wife’s other hand and began walking on the inner side as I have continued to do. My son was successful in getting me to do something I wouldn’t normally do because i wanted to and I understood why.

The Gap Between Stimulus and Response

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” – Epictetus

We hear it over and over again – we can only control our response to things outside of our control. My journey has included a focus on extending the zone between stimulus and response. Rarely do we need to react immediately – typically life saving moments only – and in these cases the time between stimulus and response shrinks and becomes an impulsive reaction. Impulsive reactions can happen out of anger, anxiety or habits – good and bad.

I remember walking to a parent/teacher interview one evening with my wife. It was about a 15 minute walk and when we sat down with the teacher he went on to tell us how disruptive our son was in class and that he needed to bring more focus each day. Sounded strange but he did use my son’s first name when giving us an example of a situation. That 15 minute walk home went by pretty fast. When we arrived home, we started lecturing our son only to find out it was another student by the same name in his class causing the disturbances. We turned a 15 minute gap into a impulsive situation.

At work I make it a point with my teams to never worry about bringing bad news. I tell them it is neither good or bad, it is just news and we will react accordingly. Earlier in my career when confronted with issues I was very impulsive with my reaction. I was known for swiftly fixing problems but learned one day when one of team members challenged me – Give me a chance to deal with this! I did and a better solution resulted.

What do we do? A number of years ago I had a friend recommend a local Mindfulness class. It was one of the best decisions I made and practice Mindfulness Meditation to this day. The time between stimulus and response is my time and I am in full control of how I will react. Use the time between stimulus and response, think over solutions, get advice, investigate and respond when you’re ready.